I'm an ATHLETE!

Sarah: Hercules, Kora, it's time to go out for a WALK!!!
Kora: yesyesyesyes!!! let's go! i'm ready! can we right now? let's go! i'm waiting! why are you taking so long?

--Exasperated Sarah attempts to leash St. Bernard vibrating with excitement. Success after third attempt.

Sarah: Hercules! Where are you? Let's go!
Hercules: (found sitting on bed) No.
Sarah: Come on buddy, don't you want to go outside and smell things?
Hercules: We've been over this before. I need you to bring the smelly things to me. I can't go walk, I'm in training. I'm a fucking Athlete!
Sarah: Training?
Hercules: Guinness Book of World Records. A dogs got to have goals.

Which brings me to my random fact of the day. Actually, it's two facts. First- an English Mastiff is, "the largest dog breed in terms of mass." Yes yes, the Great Dane stands larger, but my bubba with Flubba, my Hercules is much more solid. Apparently the largest mastiff weighed in at a whopping 343 pounds. And that record is apparently the one my beloved Hercules is setting out to break.
343 pounds! Let me take this moment to say, THAT'S CRAZY. I already am in danger of throwing out my back in the nights as I try to move Hercules out of my spot in the bed. I simply can't imagine a dog that large. It's almost the size of 3 of him. The dog, whose name was Aicama Zorba of La Susa, measured eight and a half feet in length.
Let us imagine, for a moment, sharing a bed with a dog of that size. A dog who could literally crush you with his girth as you slept in the night? I'd be scared. What if I'd forgotten to bring home the yummy dog biscuits that night? Is that a crime punishable with nighttime crushings?
Which brings me to the second fact of the day. The Guinness Book of World Records is no longer accepting largest or heaviest pet records. They stopped in 2000. Though no amount of googling has produced the reason why.
This is distressing, because CLEARLY, Hercules has discovered that there's another dog on record, and he's going for it. He wants that crown. And even if he manages, he's not getting written up because they simply aren't taking those records anymore. This news is going to crush him. As a result, he might be so miserable he won't get out of bed for a week. Trust me, I've seen him sulk like this before.
The poor pup. To counteract the impending sadness, I bought him his own crown. Direct from Windsor Castle. It's a replica of the real thing. I'm hoping that he accepts this honor and forgets that he was on his own quest to obtain greatness.