I've spent the last 6 months evicting a tuna.
Let me tell you, that little sucker is one big pain in the ass. Add in the fact that most laws are in favor of the tenant, and well, it's a miracle I've made any progress.
As you might have realized, the tuna is an unwelcome guest. It first made it's appearance about 9 months ago. It was the typical rowdy annoying houseguest that felt the need to get too up close and too personal while systematically destroying everything it came in contact with.
How can a tuna be this disruptive you might ask?
It's simple really, because the tuna is really a tumor, it's just that Mark's accent makes it sound like a tuna. Which makes it more bearable considering it's located in my brain. At the base of my pituitary gland. It's not cancerous. I repeat. It's not cancerous. It's treatable. It's BEING treated. But goddamn is it a disruptive son of a bitch.
And then there's Google. Google is just about the worst thing in the world sometimes.
The tuna has a real name. It's very long and I can't spell it. When the doctor told me the name, I committed the first 18 letters to memory and figured I'd be able to find it online later. While this may seem a rookie mistake to those in the medical know, I was unaware of my gaff.
What I didn't count on? Another disease that is a side effect of full blown AIDS sharing the same first 18 letters as my condition. Google, in it's infinite wisdom, decided this must be my search topic and sent me there.
Which led me to believe, obviously, that I also had AIDS. I actually fainted at first. Why, I kept wondering, why would they only tell me I had a brain tumor? Was it some sort of law that you had to tell people in person? Fortunately, just before I lost the will to live, my iPhone managed to autocomplete the CORRECT syndrome.
SUCH a relief. I mean, kind of. I still had a brain tuna. But I didn't have AIDS anymore. All in all, that was both a good day and a bad day.
For the record-
I really thought it was Texas. I did. I believed it with my whole heart, which is likely the most telling testament about how deeply I loathe this part of the country!
I thought the humidity, hideous skin reactions, terrible allergies, the blinding headaches, the weird weight gains, the absolutely crazy mood swings, the constant dehydration (dehydrated??? me?? after a decade in the desert i was dehydrated HERE? in a swamp???) i thought it was all me adjusting to this swamp.
Nope, it was just the tuna.
And a thyroid problem (courtesy of the tuna)
I haven't a clue what that means. The thyroid thing. The tuna bit was obvious. I mean, once I stopped blaming Texas.
