Thursday, December 11, 2014

why would that even be an option?!

it's been forever. let's just chalk it up to a long year.

i've been watching a long line of English shows- Sherlock, Marple, Rosemary and Thyme, Luther… drama and crime. often quaint, always with an english accent.

so I'm watching and something happens. it's devastating. and i just couldn't stop thinking about it. i gave Sterling a bath. i put him to bed, and i just kept thinking about it.

<< it should be noted that I was kind of a sap before I had Sterling. I cried during campbell's soup commercials. And now that he's here, everything seems so very much more real. and dear. and fleeting. so yeah, it COULD be said, that i get a tiny little bit teary eyed a little bit more. i'm also paranoid. i get that from my dad. and i'm always quick to jump to the absolute worst possibility. i can admit this. >>

mark is out of town.  obviously.
i look at my phone and realize i've missed two calls from him. 28 minutes ago.

i call.
i text.
i call again and i leave a message

i make a cup of tea.
he's gone to bed
he's had a long day
i check the clock- it's 9pm
9pm? he can't be asleep. 
maybe he's taking a shower. or a bath. 
why wouldn't he answer at 9pm?
should i call the hotel?
wait, i don't know where he is staying.
where is he?
i call again.
at this point i start to worry outright.
what if something has happened to him? 

<<i should note this progression took over an hour. i am not entirely crazy and yes, there have been several unfortunate experiences in my lifetime that have justified the sort of thinking that follows next, and NO this is not normal behavior from me>>

then i realize- i can track his iPhone!!!! there is an app for this!!!!!

i can track his iPhone and it'll tell me where he is and then i won't worry and i'll know what hotel he's at, and if i'm worried i can call. it is all ok. i'm just overreacting because i watched this show. relief!

so i track his iPhone.
and see this.




a cemetery?!??
what the hell is he doing in a cemtery??

i check the location on satellite. it's by an apartment complex. there are no hotels nearby.
at which point, i jump to the logical conclusion
he's been robbed. 
or worse! 
thieves have taken his phone to these skeeving apartments
those bastards

and then--
this is evidence of a crime!

i notice that word at the bottom "action"
it gleamed like a light in the night. i clicked it (because clearly i'm past the point of no return)
there are three options-  "play sound" "lost mode" and "erase iPhone"

<<i'm pretty certain Apple didn't MEAN to give your paranoid crime show watching wife the power to wipe your iPhone from afar. but really, WHY IS THAT EVEN AN OPTION?>>

i consider carefully.
i played a sound.
(three times to make a point)

RING!!!!
omg! it's him. or them? someone is calling me. 

"What did you do to my phone?!" -- Mark (sounding a little accusatory)

"What are you doing in a cemetery!?"(he's clearly not robbed, so now i'm annoyed. why is he in a cemetery?)

"why would i be in a cemetery? I'm in a hotel! I was asleep and then this weird noise started in the room and freaked me out and i hunted it down and it was my phone, which was on silent. with lots of missed calls from you. "

I text him the photo above. At which point, he starts LAUGHING.
"You thought i was in the cemetery?"

"Robbed. clearly. possibly dead. I was going to wipe your phone."

"YOU WERE WHAT! (and then he stopped). I love you Moses. But you're an idiot"


Big thanks to the Track my iPhone app.
He was across the highway